3 days left, and...What was your name?

My mind is gone. Kaput. (Is that really how you spell that?) I am anxious. Soooo anxious. I hhave one more day left at my job after this and my patience is wearing thin--not the job itself or the people there, but the people on the other end of the phone I am answering...I like to have the best of faith in people; no matter what. I really do. But a few of the TA's who call us some of the most unbelieveable people in the world: rude, insulting, and sometimes just plain ignorant and - apparently - unintelligent. I thought pleasing people in the theatre audience was hard. Man! (I apologize for letting off steam...but I must not be too sorry, because I'm not going to delete it...). ;)

...In any case, I am fidgeting in my seat. In just a few days, I have completely gone from nervous, unsure, and terrified to-- "ahhhh! I can't wait! Get me the hell out of here!" ...Or almost... I am going to miss Michael, very much. And my friends. And my family... I had some friends over the other night, and made everyone dinner to say goodbye. And as Annie-- one of my best of friends-- was leaving, she kept hugging me (now, I never object to hugs, especially Annie's because she gives particularly good hugs), but, while she was doing this, I kept thinking, "it's ok. You don't have to make such a big deal about it; it's just a goodbye, it's not like I don't love you anymore, or something." It wasn't until about 10 minutes after she left, that it suddenly hit me, "Oh...my god...I don't actually know when I'm gonna get a hug from her again...oh, no..." Not good. I have a tendancy to be a bit slow on the pick-up. Even a bit more than a bit slow. I'm going to miss her so badly, it's aweful.

The same thing keeps happening with Michael: almost every morning I have woken up to him kissing my forehead, or holding me. It's all well and good for us to say, "oh, eventually, hopefully, if we are still right for each other when we see eachother again, we can fall in love all over again!" But...I never realised how much I actually love him, until this last month or so...it doesn't mean that everything works all the time. But I love him. I never saw how much he actually cares about me, until recently-- knew it, instinctively, but didn't get it. And I'm leaving in 3 days. For a very long time...

...And, in truth, I don't know that I will be coming back to Portland. It's just a place. How many otherplaces are there to experience...although, I suppose, that's exactly why I'm leaving now...


I keep wanting to buy the chocolate coffee thing that miss Young makes special for me downstairs...but it costs $5 (including tip-- never skip on tip because you can't 'afford it', by the way! Yes, this is coming from a waitress, but it's true. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to buy it. Period.) and $5 is another day of camping. So I have to replace it with boxed mashed potatoes-- helped out by some dill-mustard thrown in to cover up the god-aweful taste, and a $0.75 soda if I absolutely must have caffiene...I hate soda. (Except root beer...but, of course, they don't have it). I feel good, though, for every dollar I do not spend. And that continues to make me save. I thought I had lost that ability some time ago.

I am, however, wondering what to do about Sallie Mae... I had been given a $2500 loan years ago when I was in college. I was stupid. I didn't pay attention to it-- didn't think I would end up spending only 1 year at Cornish-- but I did. And, though I half-assedly tried to contact them 3 or 4 times over the last few years, I never got very far. Well...one week before I am about to leave on my 6 month- 2 year journey, with no income and, "no ties to anything," guess who should come a-kocking... well... duh. I know when I have been stupid, and I have been spineless and stupid in this matter-- hoping that, if I didn't say anything, maybe it would just go away. Now, I have almost enough to pay off the whole thing right now. I do. If I choose to give them all the money I have earned over the past...however many months (It feels like years) of working 3 jobs every week, and saving as much as I can and selling all my possessions... I would be free. It would feel so good to realize I don't owe ANYTHING to ANYONE... (except, of course, the astronomical fee I probably owe to the Seattle Public Library in over-due book fines... or the $200 hospital bill that the nurse told me I wouldn't be charged mecause of my miniscual income, but they charged me anyway, and I convinced myself I couldn't afford to pay...hmmm...). But, if I give them every last dollar I have, I will arrive in London without a dollar to my name, except my father's money (which I do not want to use, except in barest necessity) and will most likely be turned away at the gate for insufficient funds...

Thereau says, "If you are ready to leave behind father and mother, and wife and child and friends, and never see them again,—if you have paid your debts, and made your will, and are a free man, then you are ready for a walk."

Well, I thought I was, but the truth will out, no matter how you run or hide or pretend, and pay the bills I must. My friends said, "oh, it's not that much, just let it go to collections. You'll be fine in 7 years..." But it will not go to collections, but my parents, and that is something I refuse to let happen. Not to mention, I would be breaking my word-- when one signs their name, they make a promise, and whether I took it seriously or not, I made a promise. You cannot be someone of your word if you can vouch on any promise...I believe. And I'm trying hard to remedy those things in my life that i have shoved for so long under the bed and into the depths of the closet worthy of House of Leaves. So...the only thing I can think of is to call up Sallie Mae and throw myself on their mercy. Let them know I intend to pay. Let them know that my parents cannot. Let them know that i will have no income, but will find a way to honor my will. If they will accept as little as $10-25/ month, I can tighten my belt until I come home, and find work wherever it lurks...unfortunately I fear it will be under-the-table sort, and that rubs me a bit the wrong way...I do not wish to be deported. However, I refuse to give up my journey, and I firmly believe that where there is a will, there is a way. I have, indeed, accomplished great things, when i have given into my stubborn nature, and refused to take no for an answer... we shall see.

I have almost everything I need now-- I better, since my departure is only days away. I must, however, get to a phone asap, or I will spend my first nights in NYC on the street, instead of the welcoming arms of my friends. It does not do to call up one month and say, "hey! I'm coming to visit! Can I stay with you?" And then not speaking to them again until 2 months later, when you show up on their doorstep. This communication thing is the bain of my existance, and therefore, I am sure, the most important lesson in my life to embrace...

Also clothing... for as much as I love clothes, I hate buying them. I hate the money; I hate the fact that nothing is ever remotely in my size. Bt there's nothing but to DO it. And so, I shall...although when, I have no idea.

There is NO time left. Really. There are at least 10 people who want to see me, 10 more I want to see and haven't contacted yet, and 10 people I need to call and have 2-hour long conversations with that I can't...or don't want to... afford. (Exasperated sigh!) So at the moment, in these remaning few hours, my life is nothing but chaos, anxiety, sleep-deprevation, and caffiene...

But, one way or another, I leave on Saturday, just before midnight...and God, goddess, spirit, or earth-- help me. And I will help myself.